im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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