I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
sex in a hospital.. check
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
