I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
