So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
