I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
