if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
