great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
