mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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