Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
