He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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