And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Randomize