Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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