ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
