i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
