At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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