why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
We need to get me chipped asap
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
