Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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