I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
