When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
