I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
