capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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