he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
