Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
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