In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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