There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
