I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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