Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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