omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
third nipple confirmed
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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