as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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