i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My dick has a subreddit
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
