im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I will be naked everywhere
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
