Tell her she can't have a vagina
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
