I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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