Don't make out with my wife yet
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
