my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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