There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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