Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Randomize
