I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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