i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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