Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
