ugly people sure do ruin things
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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