i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
