i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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