You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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