Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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