I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize