Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
whose ass print is on the piano?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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