a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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