TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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