Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Is it because I queefed?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
