i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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