3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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