remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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