Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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