i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
