turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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