I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
