So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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