So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
FUCK WHALES
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