Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
