all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
