M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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