If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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