never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
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