Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
