you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
